The fear of going it alone
February 17, 2009
When I meditate I find myself casting around for a formula, some way to do it right, to organize those milling thoughts, to find awareness of a higher harmony or the road to it.
Then after a while I check with myself, or do Focusing. Today, I noticed a sort of pressure in the middle of my back, a tightness, and bit of a hunched over sense in the shoulders too. Trying to protect myself. And as I sensed into who this self was that I was trying to protect, I felt the fear of going it alone.
It’s not that this self I try to protect doesn’t know what’s right for it, doesn’t know who he is, or rather, isn’t already who he is beyond needing to justify it. It’s that to be him is to be really on my own, so I often hang out in the conventional world of received opinion. I spend time with the legions of doubters and our self-justifications that pass for wisdom or at least how-to-get-by.
And all along there’s this part of me that can do it, that is beyond my need for safety. It’s the desire for safety that makes me pull back and hedge my bets. The truth is more simple. The truth is way out there, right in front, but hard to raise my eyes to and admit. It’s too shockingly obvious, too naked, too beautiful, and what will become of my made-up life if I get with all that. Goodness!
I have to smile and good-humoured truth is probably smiling too.
February 17, 2009 at 11:51 pm
Hi Andrew, I’ve studied meditation with my guru Gaytri, who’s 93, for 7 years. She is from the Natha lineage in India, which is the same lineage Jesus (Isha Natha) was from.
Dharana is stilling the mind from many thoughts to one thought. The one thought is the chosen object of focus, such as a mantra or visualisation. Matching a mantra to the breath (japa) is a very effective dharana to use. The belly moves out on the in breath, in on the out breath. “Big Mind” is a dharana intended to move you through dhyan to samadhi. Another good dharana is the blue pearl, the shining star in the third eye.
Then is dhyan, or present awareness. The linear-thought mind becomes still, but you remain awake, aware, functioning. Meditation is not a state of obliteration. We fear and expect that it is, from so many of our birth, death and orgasm experiences, in which we lose consciousness. The goal of yoga is to remain MORE conscious, never to be obliterated, throughout birth, death and sex. In dhyan you are very awake, very aware, very you. The term NO-MIND simply means, no linear thoughts bugging you, no to-do list. It doesn’t mean YOU disappear. You remain aware. You are, you are eternal, only the body will die. This you is something you have always known and will always know.
After dhyan is samadhi. In dhyan remains a trace of having to keep tabs on yourself. In samadhi is total trust. It is no longer you having to remain aware. You simply are, aware. This state is a great relief. I am sure I have only experienced the lower levels of samadhi, usually in my guru Gayatri’s company, but even these lower levels are full of bliss. It is a peace that surpasses even the desire for sex. It is as though you have been touched by That tender love which you have always been seeking.
I hope this is of some help. Good luck, take care and be at peace. Sometimes when the mind is seeking hard to improve itself it cannot relax into the awareness that is already there. You are already there. Aum/Amen.